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How To Fight Presidents

Author : Daniel O'Brien
ISBN : 9780385347587
Genre : Humor
File Size : 62. 40 MB
Format : PDF, Mobi
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Make no mistake: Our founding fathers were more bandanas-and-muscles than powdered-wigs-and-tea. As a prisoner of war, Andrew Jackson walked several miles barefoot across state lines while suffering from smallpox and a serious head wound received when he refused to polish the boots of the soldiers who had taken him captive. He was thirteen years old. A few decades later, he became the first popularly elected president and served the nation, pausing briefly only to beat a would-be assassin with a cane to within an inch of his life. Theodore Roosevelt had asthma, was blind in one eye, survived multiple gunshot wounds, had only one regret (that there were no wars to fight under his presidency), and was the first U.S. president to win the Medal of Honor, which he did after he died. Faced with the choice, George Washington actually preferred the sound of bullets whizzing by his head in battle over the sound of silence. And now these men—these hallowed leaders of the free world—want to kick your ass. Plenty of historians can tell you which president had the most effective economic strategies, and which president helped shape our current political parties, but can any of them tell you what to do if you encounter Chester A. Arthur in a bare-knuckled boxing fight? This book will teach you how to be better, stronger, faster, and more deadly than the most powerful (and craziest) men in history. You’re welcome.

A Brief History Of Vice

Author : Robert Evans
ISBN : 9780698407039
Genre : Humor
File Size : 56. 22 MB
Format : PDF, ePub
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"Mixing science, humor, and grossly irresponsible self-experimentation, Evans paints a vivid picture of how bad habits built the world we know and love." —David Wong, author of John Dies at the End History has never been more fun—or more intoxicating. Guns, germs, and steel might have transformed us from hunter-gatherers into modern man, but booze, sex, trash talk, and tripping built our civilization. Cracked editor Robert Evans brings his signature dogged research and lively insight to uncover the many and magnificent ways vice has influenced history, from the prostitute-turned-empress who scored a major victory for women’s rights to the beer that helped create—and destroy—South America's first empire. And Evans goes deeper than simply writing about ancient debauchery; he recreates some of history's most enjoyable (and most painful) vices and includes guides so you can follow along at home. You’ll learn how to: • Trip like a Greek philosopher. • Rave like your Stone Age ancestors. • Get drunk like a Sumerian. • Smoke a nose pipe like a pre–Columbian Native American. A celebration of the brave, drunken pioneers who built our civilization one seemingly bad decision at a time, A Brief History of Vice explores a side of the past that mainstream history books prefer to hide. From the Trade Paperback edition.

Your Presidential Fantasy Dream Team

Author : Daniel O'Brien
ISBN : 9780553537499
Genre : Juvenile Nonfiction
File Size : 30. 19 MB
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Draft your own presidential fantasy team, based on these hilarious-but-true profiles of our past leaders, in this fun and funny illustrated book perfect for fans of How They Croaked: The Awful Ends of the Awfully Famous and Kid Presidents! What if a zombie apocalypse or a robot uprising threatened the nation and you had the power to recruit some of the nation’s finest presidents to help save the day? By studying the most successful squads in history, Daniel O’Brien has identified the perfect ingredients for a victorious team. Which president would you choose for: the Brain, the Brawn, the Moral Compass, the Loose Cannon, and the Roosevelt? Choose wisely—the fate of the world is in your hands! "Aiming squarely at a sports-obsessed, statistics-mad and gross-out friendly audience, the madcap, utterly irreverent Your Presidential Fantasy Dream Team may be on to something." —New York Times "O'Brien takes a non-holds-barred approach to describing each man's strengths, weaknesses, and reputation . . . Rowntree's over-the-top illustrations picture ratchet up the humor even more." —PW "A warts-and-all look at two centuries of presidential leadership and politics." —Kirkus Reviews

The De Textbook

Author : Cracked.com,
ISBN : 9780698161528
Genre : Reference
File Size : 75. 3 MB
Format : PDF, ePub, Docs
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You are an idiot. Don't get defensive! It's not your fault. For decades your teachers, authority figures and textbooks have been lying to you. You do not have five senses. Your tongue doesn't have neatly segregated taste-bud zones. You don't know what the pyramids really looked like. You're even pooping wrong - Jesus, you're a wreck! But it's going to be okay. Because we're here to help. Packed with more sexy facts than the Encyclopedia Pornographica, the Cracked De-Textbook will teach you about the true stars of history, why you picture everything from Velociraptors to Ancient Rome incorrectly, and finally, at long last - how to pop a proper squat. This book was built from the ground up to systematically seek out, dismantle and destroy the many untruths that years of misguided education have left festering inside of you, and leave you a smarter person...whether you like it or not. The De-Textbook is a merciless, brutal learning machine. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are informed.

You Might Be A Zombie And Other Bad News

Author : Cracked.com
ISBN : 9781101478158
Genre : Humor
File Size : 24. 12 MB
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From the most-read humor site on the internet, Cracked.com YOU MIGHT BE A ZOMBIE… You're going to wish you never picked up this book. Some facts are too terrifying to teach in school. Unfortunately, Cracked.com is more than happy to fill you in: * A zombie apocalypse? It could happen. 50% of humans are infected with a parasite that can take over your brain. * The FDA wouldn't let you eat bugs, right? Actually, you might want to put down those jelly beans. And that apple. And that strawberry yogurt. * Think dolphins are our friends? Then these sex-crazed thrill killers of the sea have you right where they want you. * The most important discovery in the history of genetics? Francis Crick came up with it while on LSD. * Think you're going to choose whether or not to buy this book? Scientists say your brain secretly makes all your decisions 10 seconds before you even know what they are. If you’re a fan of The Oatmeal or Frak.com and hate being wrong about stuff, you’ll love what you find in YOU MIGHT BE A ZOMBIE from the twisted minds at Cracked.

Badass

Author : Ben Thompson
ISBN : 0061959170
Genre : History
File Size : 43. 93 MB
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The badasses populating the pages of Badass are the most savagely awesome historical figures to ever strap on a pair of chain mail gauntlets and run screaming into battle. Author Ben Thompson—considered by many to be the Internet’s foremost expert on badassitude—has gathered together a rogues’ gallery of butt-stomping rogues, from Julius Caesar and Genghis Khan to Blackbeard, George S. Patton, and Bruce Lee. Their bone-breaking exploits are illustrated by top artist from the fields of gaming, comics, and cards—DC Comics illustrator Matt Haley and Thomas Denmark, illustrator for the collectible card game Magic: The Gathering. This is not your boring high school history—this is tough, manly, unrelentingly Badass!

How To Survive A Sharknado And Other Unnatural Disasters

Author : Andrew Shaffer
ISBN : 9780553418149
Genre : Humor
File Size : 68. 60 MB
Format : PDF, Kindle
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Sharks Are Flying at Your Head at 300 mph. How Will You Survive? In the apocalyptic world we live in, Mother Nature is angry. Danger waits at every turn, and catastrophes like the Los Angeles sharknados have taught us that we need to be ready for anything. Too many lives have already been lost. But fear not. How to Survive a Sharknado and Other Unnatural Disasters is the first and only comprehensive guide to surviving the very worst that Mother Nature can throw our way. Inside this life-saving reference, you’ll find: • Vital information about dozens of unnatural disasters and ungodly monsters that can injure, maim, or kill you, from arachnoquakes and ice twisters to piranhacondas and mega pythons; • Easy-to-understand survival tips for avoiding a bloody demise; • Inspirational words of wisdom from survivors, including Fin Shepard and April Wexler; • Useful resources, such as the Shepard Survival Assessment Test (S.S.A.T), and much more. With this essential book in hand, you too can be a hero who laughs in the face of calamity while saving friends and family. Or you can just avoid getting savagely ripped apart by a robocroc. Either way, you’ve been warned. Now be prepared. Sharknado 2: The Second One premieres July 30 at 9/8c on Syfy! From the Trade Paperback edition.

Finding Jesus

Author : Winston Rowntree
ISBN : 9781473520745
Genre : Humor
File Size : 58. 65 MB
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You found Wally – hallelujah! Now to find Jesus... God may move in a mysterious way, but his son is a real devil to track down. Seek and ye shall find Jesus in a multitude of unexpected places – crowded rock concerts, bustling supermarkets and packed weddings, to name but a few. It might take a miracle, but the clear-sighted can spot him if they keep the faith. Readers of all ages will be in raptures with this eternally enjoyable gift book that your neighbour is sure to covet!

Off The Sidelines

Author : Kirsten Gillibrand
ISBN : 9780804179089
Genre : Biography & Autobiography
File Size : 39. 44 MB
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NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • Foreword by Hillary Rodham Clinton Fourteen years before Kirsten Gillibrand succeeded Hillary Rodham Clinton as senator from New York, she heard her future mentor say these life-changing words: “Decisions are being made every day in Washington, and if you are not part of those decisions, you might not like what they decide, and you’ll have no one to blame but yourself.” A young corporate lawyer at the time, Gillibrand felt as if she’d been struck by lightning. She instantly knew that her voice—all women’s voices—were essential to shaping the future of this country, and that she had a greater purpose in life: to speak up and effect change. Now, in this extraordinary memoir, the senator, wife, and mother of two recounts her personal journey in public service and galvanizes women to reach beyond their busy lives and make a meaningful difference in the world around them. Off the Sidelines is a playbook for women who want to step up, whether in Congress or the boardroom or the local PTA. If women were fully represented in politics, Gillibrand says, national priorities would shift to issues that directly impact them: affordable daycare, paid family medical leave, and equal pay. Pulling back the curtain on Beltway politics, she speaks candidly about her legislative successes (securing federally funded medical care for 9/11 first responders, repealing Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell) and her crushing disappointments (failing by five votes to pass a bill protecting survivors of sexual assault in the military). Gillibrand also shares stories of growing up the daughter and granddaughter of two trailblazing feminists in a politically active family in Albany, New York, and retraces her nonlinear path to public office. She lays bare the highs and lows of being a young (pregnant!) woman in Congress, the joys and sacrifices every working mother shares, and the support system she turns to in her darkest moments: her husband, their two little boys, and lots of girlfriends. In Off the Sidelines, Gillibrand is the tough-love older sister and cheerleader every woman needs. She explains why “ambition” is not a dirty word, failure is a gift, listening is the most effective tool, and the debate over women “having it all” is absurd at best and demeaning at worst. In her sharp, honest, and refreshingly relatable voice, she dares us all to tap into our inner strength, find personal fulfillment, and speak up for what we believe in. Praise for Off the Sidelines “Gillibrand has written a handbook for the next generation of women to redefine their role in our world.”—Arianna Huffington “There are moments of immensely appealing self-disclosure that seldom appear in other books of this genre. . . . This isn’t your mother’s political memoir.”—The New York Times Book Review “Kirsten Gillibrand is a beautiful example of what we can become when we are true to ourselves and brave enough to let our voices be heard. This book is intimately honest and deeply insightful.”—Connie Britton “One of the most helpful, readable, down-to-earth, and truly democratic books ever to come out of the halls of power.”—Gloria Steinem “A powerful message . . . Gillibrand [is] a fearless advocate for women.”—Marie Claire “With her new memoir, Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand seems to be taking a page out of the presidential playbook. . . . In style, however, Gillibrand’s book differs significantly from previous political memoirs. Hers is a quick read, chatty, candid.”—The Washington Post From the Hardcover edition.

Machine Of Death

Author : Ryan North
ISBN : 9780982167120
Genre : Fiction
File Size : 70. 71 MB
Format : PDF, Kindle
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Presents fantasy stories written by Internet authors that explore how people, cultures, and societies are affected by the predictions of the Machine, an object that provides short yet vague phrases about how a person will die.

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